Back, Sooner

In the background currently I shall just simply attempt to not scald myself with my hot chocolate. There’s a series of random lights on around the house yet it manages to maintain it’s dim, passive mood. Strangely enough the collective yellowed quiet lighting around me with some random playlist of pleasant piano music seems to encourage me to take all my activities slower, and quietly. I find myself for once enjoying the nearly orange tinted glass on the fixtures, helping me feel “at home” even though soon enough as I come to understand their appeal, I note that soon enough there will be many new fixtures in place, but I will gladly welcome them as well. Changes similar but metaphorically seem to be common now, I’m just satisfied with the slower and relaxed pace change has decided to come at. With the amount of time I use this for self-reflection I may as well call this place my own personal mirror, but an appreciated one at that. This atmosphere while not perfectly reflecting my recent life, I would insist it gets it well enough.

Acknowledging my own joy is so odd a small part of me still seems to want to doubt it or look at some other minor aspect, but no, feeding into that behavior is dangerous at best. I’ve found myself in a lovely relationship and having the ability to do whatever art I please, but being able to say I’m in love is something I feel I’ve awaited for far too long, yet now I don’t need to wait. I’m simply happy. There’s no particular “justification” I need to feel such a way, it’s been repeated a trillion times before but even now it’s hard to acknowledge that.

I wish to hug all my plants, tell them individually how much I love them, and what’s stopping me really? I’ve been getting here for a while but I just wanna more feel and define my own self, as I’ve spent so long just drifting around from activity to activity, from art medium to art medium, from technology only to only the power of my eyes and hands. I understand that career paths etc. can be extremely subjective based on the individual, so for a long time I went with the general concept of just do whatever you feel like doing, but how exactly am I intended to cultivate any particular thing when I seem to forget about it the next day. In the last year I’ve started to see that being more selective and committing to things is an equally useful path, and while I’m not so sure on the particular event or thing that pushed it to ‘click’ in my head, in this moment it matters to me. Soon enough I’ll probably end up writing a list or something of the sort. At the same time as putting them all down as I likely will do regardless, as mentioned before I know deep down I know exactly what my ‘path’ looks like.

Sipping my now lukewarm hot chocolate at my preference for it’s peak temperature, the warmth from it reminds me of the warmth and light all around me, Even as the sun sets earlier and earlier for the first time I don’t feel myself fade with it, I wish to simply be happy, and the strong reciprocated love I feel is like the sun to me. Making me open up and feel good and normal like my sensitive plant under it’s special LED light.

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