It’s been a hot minute. There’s just about around a trillion things I could spew miscellaneously but honestly I prefer at least a bit of focus to my thoughts.
There’s been so much, for several months the focus was so far from myself and it was just “normal”, that life I had always led of putting myself in the middle to mediate others had caved in. While I find it surprising how quite literally any trait can become horrendously useless and even disastrous to your life, having it be one of your ‘defining’ factors really plays up the “who even am I” ambiguous feelings. It’s been stated and repeated a million times of how you need to let life be and stop trying to base any bit of yourself on something to do with other people; It’s so hard when it’s those you see daily. When you see them every day why not let them in a bit? They couldn’t possibly be the problem.
All things must have a catalyst, and while I knew we were fated friends, I had not yet seen the hand of fate coming to slap me. In fact, neither of us would have seen it, I thought to be nice I should let people in to help them, as what could be better than being selfless to get someone away from a home issue? I have no doubt I did the right thing now, but it’s been amazing to watch how one strong personality can bring out the worst in others. From everyone there were thrown words of hate, darting glances, and all because of a new dynamic that those who are more set in their ways could not adjust to whatsoever. But even with encouragement after a few weeks for them to go home to deal with their problems, I needed to come back to the old family dynamic I had to go and change it permanently.
We all had to learn that you can’t go out an ignore old problems, even if it had been years, cause how else would you make a case to defend yourself. Every memory and thought of my family was up in the air changing daily, one day with my sibling, the next my family, until around the life changing trip to Italy in early June. I will absolutely delve into it another time, maybe the next, but there as I passed through sites and locations older than anywhere I had been before, places I had spent my whole life fantasizing about visiting and learning of. Through the days I gradually increased my intensity to do what I wished, and suddenly in it I realized how much pure unfelt joy was in just pushing for me and only me. Rome, Florence saw leaps and strides there but nothing compared to the utter soaring and flying I had in Venice. I really didn’t expect much of the place, with no Ancient Roman ruins what was I to do? Work on myself apparently. On the last major day I quite literally ran away two miles to a park I saw from a boat.
I remember every moment of that glorious walk away from arguments, complaints, insults, yelling, and a general “YOU’RE RUINING THE TRIP”. I saw people exercising quietly, laughing with their family, something that never happened often in my own life, people just quietly walking or on the phone, just being themselves. I was finally immersing myself into an environment I solely wished to go to. Soon enough after crossing multiple canals I saw a field of trees and bushed with paths nestled gently and carefully between. I kept walking along the large sidewalk between the water and garden beside me. The sun was gradually turning a hazy yet glorious orange as I finally crossed the bridge to the area I saw from the boat hours upon hours ago. Stone/umbrella Pine I think they are called, were everywhere, Leaving a peaceful Italian park with a few residents sitting in benches by the water with a whole park of green grass shaded gently by the roof of pine above. As I just sat and observed I felt deeply overwhelmed by a feeling of elation. Even writing this at home while It rains in New England I feel warmed by the thought of how wonderful that was. When I walked back eventually I encouraged everyone to just do what they wished, and when I told my mother over the phone to “just enjoy [her]self” as my sibling and I floated ‘home’ on the regular boat, I half told myself.
The summer was when the massive upswing finally came to it’s end, though as with summer storms and hurricanes, there is no such thing as it ending peacefully. Items were permanently broken, people were as well. and with one solid hour of just my mom letting everything out while I laid in bed in my room. It was over as quickly as it all started. All because after that trip I stopped trying to relay everything between all sides, I refused to just waste my entire existence trying to do everything for everyone, I wanted to find success in my goals, not putting them to the side daily for other people while I ignored so many of my own issues with motivation.
Once we rolled into Virgo season, or especially as we hit September, my favorite month of the year, things were looking up finally. As you can quite literally tell by me writing this here. I had my wisdom teeth out. I started doing art every now and then, I went and did things I had been planning. I fully took hold of caring for my plants and things are well. Though at times as the days count down to my early Libra birthday, I can’t help but feel weird at this new normal, but I know it had to happen. Though I know not exactly how others are doing, I know it matters not to me now, as I can only get by life a bit more on my own now. I can tell everyone is on better terms, but things have changed permanently for my family, as I know I will end up seeing the results of in due time. But luckily fate slammed us all because I can’t imagine not being where I have gotten to by now, as every day with depression & anxiety now is fine, cause I know how to fight it.